Can we talk?

I cried over you last night, been doing that a lot lately, I think about you as soon as I wake up and I try to dream about you when I go to bed, I asked you to hold me last night and I felt like you did.
Ive got a new job if you’d like to know, work at Dune in Meadowhall for the Xmas period, start weds 16th. I wanna see you, I miss you.
Everytime I hear a sexy song I think of you, you grabbing and squeezing me like you used to, taking the piss outta each other because I’ve said something stupid or you’ve done something silly like put another sugar in and pretend not to be steaming drunk!
Playing around in your bedroom and getting attacked by your massive dog.
Walking miller and Randal and you apologising for millers behaviour after he goes after another dog.
What was your point? Your purpose in my life apart from to make me feel extremely lonely without you?
“do you want kids?”
“pffft not yet”
What man asks that? One that’s ready, and even though that’s what I was asking for, I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was.
All I know is that I still care about you, and I think I may still even love you, I cry about you and when I walk past your house my heart speeds up and my feet slow down, one of these days when I see your car alone I’m gonna have the courage to knock.
Probably next Wednesday… Give me courage o’ lord, fate is by choice not chance, and I chose you, now I’m gonna chance it.
Wish me luck.

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Getting better

Depression and anxiety can be an underlying worry for anyone but when it makes your family worry about you, your friends disappear and your sleep to be erratic you gotta question wheather your depressing others with your depression.

No likes to hear a “oh my god I wanna kill myself story” and i never wanted to tell it but there was something that made me feel so unworthy that having a connection to death and another life force, simultaneously made me worry about the life force and death of my family, my ex boyfriend and my friends.

You really figure out who is there and who isn’t and who never was, you find out about the back stabbers, the toffee nosers, the boyfriend stealers and more importantly the attention seeking bitches.

Maybe i am the latter and i am seeking attention, but all i wanna do right now is write, dance, and enjoy the two months before xmas with my skirt tucked in my knickers and my dancing heart attacking every move.

I wanna go to the pub with my beloved, i wanna go for a walk with his dogs, i wanna melt into his being but that doesnt mean it will ever happen again and i gotta realise that my self esteem got in the way. Maybe pride got in the way, showing him off and telling my family “look what i got” a decent bloke from our area that didn’t just wanna fuck in the back of his car with huge biffy’s. I was keen as soon as i laid my beauty big blues on him and he was game green for me. He saw the barmaid not the beer.

If I was to see his face again in the midst of my battles, I’d probably tell him to leave because I am a war onto myself, I didnt start the war, and I don’t want to finish it either, i want someone to hold me and go, no matter what they say and no matter what they think I am still gonna be here.

Its time to realise that insecurities and self conflicting issues need to fuck off and let you be happy, because you were before any of them ever were spat at you, as for bullying, if someone ever tries and diminishes my self esteem again I will make them feel so small they’ll realise I can do it back ten times harder.

Peace out.

He ain’t gonna touch her

Me and my Nanan are watching medium, it’s the episode where the woman gets arrested because her daughter has developed the “gift”.

Sometimes I think I have the gift, I feel like I might die tonight, I’m loosing shit loads of blood, and I don’t wanna live another day, my heart is fighting to keep me alive.

I gotta get a job tomorrow, 20, I’m really in pain, I can taste blood, I fell in love with a really good lad, but I blew it because of my self esteem, ya know when you think low of yourself, you perform strange acts in your sleep.

Opportunist thieves thrive on my blood. There’s a draft in this house, it’s called death, I smell it next to my Nanan, I want a drink of bitter, but I love the taste of it.

I miss warren, I bleed for him, he punches me in my sleep, it’s mischief night, mums away Nanan and grandad are in bed and here I am rotting away.

If I go before they do then whatever, if it keeps them from arguing with each other.

I wanna kick myself in head most of time but I can’t reach that far, I’m hungry again, I wanna hurt people like they hurt me.

My body is strong my mind is strong, so why if I can taste blood and I can piss blood am I still alive, I really really don’t wanna live, I wheeze through life, numb.

Love and other drugs

I miss my lovers, I miss Alex for showing me the taste of weed, I also miss weed! OMG no my will power is stronger than that! My rib cage hurts, can’t gulp properly and I’m dropping little nuggets in the toilet.
If this is what it’s like to get off cannabis then I feel sorry for smack heads!
I hate/love/hate that green sticky substance, I’m a bloodhound for it! Pulling my own eyelashes out so I can eat them, you ever had the munchies so bad you could eat your own toes?
My Tongue is lolling, my chest hurts, my ribcage is digging into my powerful lungs, my muscles are massive and my tummy is rock hard!
I feel like I’m seizing up! Growing my hyman back, so I can be pure again!
I’m dehydrated, my back is sore and I feel like I’ve been boxing, don’t all your bruises come out when you die?
My nans water is ever so salty! Bye carb does wonders to your washing, not so much to your mind!
Got a taste for by carb, granddads pills look tasty, dehydrates, wonder what they’d do to my skin!
I miss Alex, but I miss Warren more, I miss him so much that I walk the same way he takes his dogs.
I’m under mega amounts of stress and my body is coping so well!
Little by little I’m curing myself of all the damage that has been done to me, that scar tissue, all the birth marks, all the pain.
I was shot in first world war.
I was stabbed in second world war.
I came from Russia, because I can speak a language I don’t understand!
Keep asking god what it means but for some reason the ignorant bastard keeps going “all the languages under the earth and you don’t know where you belong”?
I belonged with Alex, but that shit head taught me bad things, I belong with warren but I’m a bit too fruity for warren…
Especially when I’m drunk, or doped up, I dunno maybe life’s little drugs make Natalie an Aphrodisiac!

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Stress and nervous breakdowns

Get this I’m 20, I’m getting pain in my womb from a recent coil removing and my belly is swelling, my grandad thinks I’m getting fat, my mum thinks I’m getting fat, I don’t wanna be fat, I’d rather be pregnant.
But let’s hope I’m not that either, I went through some hard times at Uni, I can’t even remember what I was doing, well I hadn’t even started my course yet.
I needed some help with issues, issues that happened back home.
I hate myself for it, yet there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Trust is a powerful thing, even Darren brown could tell you that, when do we start hypnotising ourselves, making ourselves realise our full potential.
I watched “limitless” the other day, thinking that guy is me, ever since my eyes have got better my sense of smell is amazing, my skin is clearer apart from the stress area I have on my chin.

Am I curing myself of my eyesight? my nose is getting smaller, am I doing that too?

I’m also growing, well I feel like I am, I feel like I’m getting taller, but my grandparents are shrinking because of there bad backs! Feel like Alice, in wonderland takes a shroom she grows taller, Alice obviously had an addiction to wacky backy like me!

I have an addiction to danger, oooh danger, have you ever seen the movie 13 when them girls go the wrong way?

Yep! Been there done that, I just did it at 19, better age, still leaves you fucked in head. It’s 8:11am on a Wednesday and I’m comin out with this bollocks, GOOD MORNING INTERNET PEOPLE!

See the moral of the story is, when it stops being fun, put the joint down!

How I became fucked in the head

My life so far… A wet piece of crap on a mouldy piece of bread, shit sandwich.

Jobless (check)
Cloth less (check)
Homeless (check)

I blame astrology! I really hate horror-scopes but everything seems to happen in them correctly, I don’t wanna be a typical Gemini, when it comes to love they’re fucked, I’m always in two minds about everything!

Sagittarius moon makes me easy going and lucky, erm, scuse me? WHAT??

Sleep deprivation is a killer, and I can’t sleep, bad dreams, I miss my kitties!
😦 keep having dreams I’m falling, I reckon I’m sleep walking too, my feng shui is all out of wack!

Need my stuff! Need my bedroom, need my mum, no fuck her, shes a bad mother anyways, wasn’t really around for the terrible (influential) years probably why I’m a fucking fruit-loop!

I had some good baby sitters! One lass in particular, from treeton, don’t remember her name, just can remember vividly my mum helping her move out of her house where she had abusive parents (abusive mother) and she could live with us if she baby sat me.

Her mother wouldn’t allow it. She also wanted to go to university and something but she had abusive parents, always arguing, mum wanted to feel like the hero by putting her up, while she worked, like a big sister but not quite the same.

House of rules, for everyone bar mum, Joseph fritzel and my mother were in same league!

Dirty nappies aren’t quite the same when your rushed through potty training! I liked poo time, was my time to reflect on today’s activities, was a struggle to get me in bath though!

If I could stay naked my whole life I would! My body is gorgeous! If I could just go to a nudist beach and lay there I would!

I wanted to pick my clothes too, she always put me in fucking stupid floaty dresses, forced me to be a girly girl until I thought nope fuck off gimme some jeans and a t-shirt and let me dress myself.

I was a miniature her, HOW LUDACRIS! she had me to make herself feel better, and as soon as I decide to go to Uni, she drags me back.

I need to find Craig Hargate! My teacher, my best teacher, I fucking hated him, yet he was the best teacher I ever had, Mrs Wilks, my teacher, my best teacher, I fucking hated her, she was the best teacher I ever had.

I wasn’t a bad pupil, to be honest, I kept calling Mrs Wilks “mum” by accident, Mr Hargate said if I don’t go to university the education system will have failed me, the education system didn’t fail me, my mother failed to see I was quite educated.

My mother, I fucking loved her, she was the worst teacher I ever had.

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Making love to demons

Making love to demons.
Makes you a bit crazy for it after a while, suspicion is a heavy thing and I don’t trust anyone.
You gotta learn who’s ya friend and who’s ya enemy, but sometimes friends can become let’s say, wary of you because you progress in life, I.e you meet the one or you move away, you never really keep someone for so long that they are your rock.
I blame Facebook, baitbook, people used to have values, they were your type, they didn’t go after your friends as soon as you were showing signs of resentment.
It’s just who you trust! How you trust, maybe communication broke down stable relationships, lack if it, too much of it to other people.
It’s wrong when your partner tells you to stop talking to certain people, or anyone for that matter, I will speak and flirt with anyone I like thank you very much and you need to trust I don’t cheat, because when I love you I won’t.
I personally hate Facebook, defines a relationship, made me realise I had too much pent up anger towards men and girls that used to think there better than me!
And still think there better than you because they are better known, is it really about relations, is it really about who ya know than what ya know!
Well I knew the devil, I think it’s better that I did than I didn’t!

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Bright star, by John Keats

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art–
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors–
No–yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever–or else swoon to death.

This sums up exactly how I’m feeling x

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Madonna and the pictures

Madonna is another one of my idols; Madonna Ciccone, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone (Catholic confirmation name) she was named esther when she switch faith to Kabbalah.

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She’s covered every taboo in the 80’s 90’s 00’s year book with sex before marriage; like a virgin, cohabitation before marriage; papa don’t preach, knowing she came from a religious background she’s slammed down every vow in the proverbial sacramental book!

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She’s always been a bit saucy hasn’t she with such songs, “he’s a pretender, I wanted more than just a one night stand” that’s about every set in there way ineligible bachelor! “I know all about your kind: why’d I fall in love”

Everyone has been near a pretender, likes the idea of having the most flashiest of things including women!

Hats off to her! I mean look at her now! 50 something, body like a 17year old that’s afraid of beef and still sassy as ever!

I personally love her!

She’s flying, faster than the speed of light, she’s got herself a little peace of heaven!

With madonna she’s always gonna be a classic for me!
Every song, every album, she knows, she’s been there, she’s lived it, either that or she’s a very good fucking actress, in then that case she needs an oscar as well!

Anywho that’s enough for sticking a trumpet up my arse and tryna fart out her songs because I certainly don’t give them justice to sing them.

The highlight for me was me against the music when she snogged Britney on stage! My idols! Getting it on! HOW HORNEY WAS I!!! At 15 very!

About these scantily clad photos, SO THE FUCK WHAT!
Talk shit about madonna again you set of wolves and I shall play VOGUE remix so loud in your ears you’ll go deaf! HA!

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The chair of wisdom

I will be sitting on this to update what’s been going off so from now on, my location is this chair!
Isn’t its shape beautiful! I’m gonna see if if can draw it from memory! One day in my scrap book of wisdom!

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I’ll be sitting on it when the sun comes up, writing on bits of tissue paper and glueing them in my book!

Memoirs of Nathaliã it’s gonna be called.