Category Archives: Sex

He ain’t gonna touch her

Me and my Nanan are watching medium, it’s the episode where the woman gets arrested because her daughter has developed the “gift”.

Sometimes I think I have the gift, I feel like I might die tonight, I’m loosing shit loads of blood, and I don’t wanna live another day, my heart is fighting to keep me alive.

I gotta get a job tomorrow, 20, I’m really in pain, I can taste blood, I fell in love with a really good lad, but I blew it because of my self esteem, ya know when you think low of yourself, you perform strange acts in your sleep.

Opportunist thieves thrive on my blood. There’s a draft in this house, it’s called death, I smell it next to my Nanan, I want a drink of bitter, but I love the taste of it.

I miss warren, I bleed for him, he punches me in my sleep, it’s mischief night, mums away Nanan and grandad are in bed and here I am rotting away.

If I go before they do then whatever, if it keeps them from arguing with each other.

I wanna kick myself in head most of time but I can’t reach that far, I’m hungry again, I wanna hurt people like they hurt me.

My body is strong my mind is strong, so why if I can taste blood and I can piss blood am I still alive, I really really don’t wanna live, I wheeze through life, numb.


How I became fucked in the head

My life so far… A wet piece of crap on a mouldy piece of bread, shit sandwich.

Jobless (check)
Cloth less (check)
Homeless (check)

I blame astrology! I really hate horror-scopes but everything seems to happen in them correctly, I don’t wanna be a typical Gemini, when it comes to love they’re fucked, I’m always in two minds about everything!

Sagittarius moon makes me easy going and lucky, erm, scuse me? WHAT??

Sleep deprivation is a killer, and I can’t sleep, bad dreams, I miss my kitties!
😦 keep having dreams I’m falling, I reckon I’m sleep walking too, my feng shui is all out of wack!

Need my stuff! Need my bedroom, need my mum, no fuck her, shes a bad mother anyways, wasn’t really around for the terrible (influential) years probably why I’m a fucking fruit-loop!

I had some good baby sitters! One lass in particular, from treeton, don’t remember her name, just can remember vividly my mum helping her move out of her house where she had abusive parents (abusive mother) and she could live with us if she baby sat me.

Her mother wouldn’t allow it. She also wanted to go to university and something but she had abusive parents, always arguing, mum wanted to feel like the hero by putting her up, while she worked, like a big sister but not quite the same.

House of rules, for everyone bar mum, Joseph fritzel and my mother were in same league!

Dirty nappies aren’t quite the same when your rushed through potty training! I liked poo time, was my time to reflect on today’s activities, was a struggle to get me in bath though!

If I could stay naked my whole life I would! My body is gorgeous! If I could just go to a nudist beach and lay there I would!

I wanted to pick my clothes too, she always put me in fucking stupid floaty dresses, forced me to be a girly girl until I thought nope fuck off gimme some jeans and a t-shirt and let me dress myself.

I was a miniature her, HOW LUDACRIS! she had me to make herself feel better, and as soon as I decide to go to Uni, she drags me back.

I need to find Craig Hargate! My teacher, my best teacher, I fucking hated him, yet he was the best teacher I ever had, Mrs Wilks, my teacher, my best teacher, I fucking hated her, she was the best teacher I ever had.

I wasn’t a bad pupil, to be honest, I kept calling Mrs Wilks “mum” by accident, Mr Hargate said if I don’t go to university the education system will have failed me, the education system didn’t fail me, my mother failed to see I was quite educated.

My mother, I fucking loved her, she was the worst teacher I ever had.

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Career vs Love

Career vs Love
Can you possibly have both?
This day and age they’re clear values in life, money (security), family (security) and love (security).

Where’s the independence in that?

I’m off to Uni in 3 days from now, on my own, to succeed, no distractions from the people I love because I’ll want to love them, and even though I’m gonna miss them and want to pull myself away from my calling to be with them I’m kinda doing it for them as well.

It’s an individual goal for the sake of money (security), family (security) and love, because I wanna love my job!

Do we ever really grow up?
Peter pan exists to loads of people, he’s in most mid 30 single bachelors that are so set in there ways they won’t have anything less than perfect!

Tinkabell was perfect for him, but he didn’t see her, he was too busy sneaking in other little girls bedrooms to see he had perfection right on the end of his nightlamp.

Childhood sweethearts, a notebook of memories, watching that movie it makes me wince, it can still be like that today, the man can chase the woman, we got so busy focusing on something else that we forgot to do it for the only thing that matters, love.

Because love is one of the points of the triangle of security.
Money can’t by you happiness but it makes you secure, and so does love.
And family just happens naturally.

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When do insecurities get in the way, in the way of success, love, happiness?
When should we worry?

Being a woman of the 21st century ripe 20 years of age, I have bouts of loving and loathing myself!
Sometimes simultaneously, I find a positive, I equal it out with a negative, or visa versa if I feel I’m being too hard on myself.

Most women tend to victimise themselves to feel better, not owning up to there flaws, I can see this type of “help-me-love-myself” characteristic display in my mother daily!

Technically speaking, the optimistic view would be that we need negative traits to make the positive that oh-so more positive!

As to diminish these insecurities, thwart them, battle them. Destroy them.

For every “flaw” you have about yourself, can you honestly think about why it’s there or have a “trait” that kills it?

See I hate my nose, want it to be small and petite instead of roman and masculine, but if I did have the nose I wanted, would it suit my face?
Would it take the focus off my gorgeous eyes?

I want you to do this!!
Don’t come out with obscenities like “I’m ugly”, be specific, don’t scrutinise yourself that’s totally not the point.
But if I can get even the most insecure girls at least loving one part of themselves, then hopefully that’s a good job done!

I want you to do this 🙂 for me, please.

Age and standards

We have a perfect ideal scenario what we would like our life to be like, 2.4 children, athletic husband, supermodel wife, and then we have our standard and the standard amount of bullshit we are gonna take before we realise it’s not the ideal.
As we get older, does our standard get lower and the standard amount of bullshit increase as the deadline gets nearer?
Most women have a perfect age where they would like to be married, have children, buy a house, what about the men in world who have certain deadlines and family aspiration, where do they come in, or do they just sit on the edge and wait to be tucked in neatly to our plan!

Desperate times lead to desperate measures, but why should we take the shit because it’s not our ideal, I think “perfect” is out of the question unless your posh and becks, but never let your standard drop or you bullshit threshold get higher!

But maybe time is running out because your being a too picky.

1.What’s your ideal scenario of life and what are doing to achieve it?
2.What are your ideals and do you think you CAN achieve them?

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Attention seeking

5:44am 01/12/10 (pensive) SNOWING

My partner tells me I seek attention, I don’t reckon I do as much as he says but I can see that I do.

When we go out I like to feel like I’m attractive, who doesn’t? So I dress the best possibly way (that my money will stretch to) I give myself a tan and a spend more time on myself than I would if I was just going to cinema!

Personally I would like to dress classy and glamorous, someone that looks like they own some things, but being 5″1 no one sees authority from someone of my height.

When I’m “classing it about” I feel like people think I’m playing dress up… That’s not the point I’m trying to perceive at all!

Maybe that’s why he thinks I’m attention seeking, because I put so much effort in when I’m socialising compared to when I’m just “dossing” about the house with him.

See glamorous living isn’t very good for you, missing out on sleep to get up early to make yourself look like your refreshed is ironic!

He’s told me plenty of times he likes me better with less make-up, so maybe because I put loads on when I go out (we go socialise at same spot, it’s where we met) that’s me attention seeking!

“it’s not the attention you get I’m worried about, it’s how you react to it” is his exact words… Fair point, I get it, he doesn’t want me to play on it to rub it in his face that he got a good thing, does he already know, or would he just like a partner that comes easily with no competition whatsoever?

I don’t think I’m attention seeking, I just think I’m insecure, I like the little attention I get because I never used to get any.

Maybe he doesn’t wanna feel like I’m gonna run off with anyone that gives me attention?

So question for today: would you prefer a hot partner that gets loads of attention or an average partner where people aren’t to fussed and why! Answers in comments please 🙂

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Dating CV are you really his dream job?

I have a current partner who is a lot older than me, like 13 years, which in turn means he has a lot of experience with relationships and sexual partners.

Although I’m never going to know these women, I somehow find myself asking what these women were like comparing my own behaviours to there’s, e.g I asked him about why he split with his pre-previous partner and the reason was that she was lazy and didn’t contribute to the household mess that she was making, also took him for granted because she thought she could live off him!
My reply was like “well you know I’m not like that, because…” then proceeded to give him a list of examples why I’m better for him than she was.

He already knows this because they split before me and him met, he already knows she’s no good for him otherwise they would still be together and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

It’s like I’m reading his dating CV, seeing these women as practise jobs as to me as I want to be the career that is his dream!

It’s like their faults are his tasks within the jobs and the part where he dumps her is him learning from it.

See that’s the sneaky thing I’m doing…
I’m learning what he doesn’t like from a woman, I know I’m an untidy person, last thing I wanna do when I come home from work is clean, so I’ll “tidy” and then not bother with the gruelling jobs!

I know I won’t take him for granted money wise, because I obsess when he pays for expensive things, like the Chinese restaurant he took me to that cost £80!

See I have an analogy theoretically speaking.
Just imagine speed dating as a job fare and a man writes up a Dating Cv for women to read.
Problem: everyone lies/tweaks their Cv, what’s stopping them do this with this information, bigger question what’s stopping my partner feeding me lies to make me feel better about myself over his ex, or intact him feeling better about his choice to dump her and then get me.

Question: Would you rather know or not know if he’d prefer to be back in that relationship?

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